Dealing With Grief and Loss

(Guidelines for First Responders)

 

     The hurricane Katrina disaster on our southern coast along with the terrible loss of life and property brings to the forefront the need for first responders to have at least a basic understanding of “Grief and Loss” as well how to provide support to those who are experiencing the impact of such devastating and life disrupting events. Obviously this article cannot be all inclusive but offers important fundamental insights and guidelines for disaster workers.

     One woman who lived in New Orleans and suffered the total loss of her home and belongings was interviewed by the media and made the following statement, “I can replace the house and everything in it but I can’t replace me”. This woman’s comment points to a critical factor in grief and loss; it’s not what happens to us that most influences our lives, but how we interpret or place meaning on the event, what we say to ourselves about it. This woman clearly recognized the significance of her loss but managed to find something positive about the outcome. Another individual in the same circumstance might choose to end their life or become despondent and never fully recover from such a loss. This has to do with the old, “The glass is half full; the glass is half empty views of life. In the field of counseling it is generally recognized that almost 80% of the population who experience grief and loss at various times and ways in their life, recover from it as a natural process. This is termed “Natural Grief”. The woman mentioned previously was experiencing this and would fit the 80% population figure. Those on the other hand who become suicidal or depressed and are unable to naturally manage their grief and loss, are experiencing what is called “Complicated Grief”. Complicated grief will almost always require professional help to recover. About 20% of the population experience complicated grief. Again, how we think about loss is a critical factor in our experience of grief, whether natural or complicated.

 

    It might be well to provide a few definitions at this point.

 

Bereavement is the state of loss.

Grief is a biological, psychological and social reaction to loss.

Mourning is a behavioral manifestation of bereavement that is influenced by factors such as culture, age, gender, family, religious beliefs etc.

 

     Some of the normal emotions linked to natural grief are, sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger and shame. It is also common for individuals grieving naturally to experience feelings such as, joy (I survived), relief, happiness or amusement (recalling happier times or finding humor even in the crisis). These comfortable feeling are normal and suggest a person is managing grief and loss positively. Such people will ultimately benefit from their experience.

     Characteristics that would help you to identify someone who is experiencing complicated grief are, failure to accept the loss, failure to adjustment to the loss, painful uncomfortable emotions dominate the persons life, thoughts of the loss often “intrude” into the persons mind, disconnection from others (isolation), little life satisfaction, guilt persists (I had an argument with my spouse the morning they died in the car accident).

     Common treatment for complicated grief may include, medication, psychotherapy, grief and loss counseling with work to accept the loss, reengage the person in relationships and fill the vacuum left by the loss.

     It might be well to offer a few myths related helping those who grieve.

 

1.      Often people are told they must “let go” to move on when in fact the emphasis should be on “accepting” the loss.

2.      Counseling is necessary to deal with grief and loss. This is not always true. It depends upon how the individual is grieving, whether naturally or with complications.

3.      The more intense the persons pain the better they are grieving. Actually the less intense the pain the better.

4.      If the person doesn’t grieve early they will pay later. Actually delayed grief is very rare.

5.      You grieve the loss once and it never happens again. Wrong. Grief can be reactivated by specific events. This does not mean the person has not dealt with their grief.

6.      Complicated grief suggests a person had an ambivalent relationship with the person or thing. This is incorrect. Complicated grief indicates the person had a close relationship with the person or thing.

7.      Grief should be completed in a specific amount of time. This is inaccurate. Grief is a process and is different for each person and in one sense is an ongoing process.     

     In closing, it is important to remember crisis doesn’t make us what we are it only brings to the surface what we already are.  Perhaps more than anything it reveals “how we think”.  Two young soldiers on the battle field were talking about death. One said, “Death frightens me it’s awful scary.  The other responded, “Everyone dies, it’s really about doing it well and with courage”.   

 

 

                           Dr. Jerry Schweitzer LPC, LICDC, DAPA.